Starlit Confessions

The forest was freezing, the night air biting against my skin. The fire crackled between us, its warmth barely enough to fend off the encroaching cold.

I was used to the multifarious sounds of the forest at night. I was an avid camper after all. What I wasn’t used to was not knowing where I was, or being so unprepared that we’d likely freeze to death from the early spring elements.

It still got cold at night, while the days were warmer. So, when Paul, an old high school friend of mine whom I hadn’t spoken to in years, called and asked if I’d like to go out for a quick day hike on a trail he had only recently learned about, I was all for it. Not only to see an old friend but to check out a trail that I hadn’t been on before.

I should have looked more into it, researching the mountain, the trail, and the terrain. I shouldn’t have trusted him when he said he would handle all of the preparations and bring only the bare essentials. I should have done what I always did and taken everything into my own hands so that when we inevitably ended up lost, at least I would have had food, water, and thermal blankets.

“I’m so sorry, Gary. It was supposed to be a quick and easy trip.” Paul is ashamed as he apologizes for the umpteenth time since the sunset.

“I know. Carey knows where we are, and if I’m not home soon, she’ll call Park Services. We just need to wait it out.” I keep my voice calm, long past the anger I felt so strongly earlier.

“H-how is Carey? It’s so crazy that you guys got together your freshman year of high school and we’re nearly in our 50’s now.” Paul sits with his knees to his chest and his arms wrapped around them. Even from my spot on the other side of the fire, I can see his involuntary shivers and the goosebumps that crawl up his legs.

“She’s good, but lonely since the kids have all moved out and gotten their own lives.” I chuckle sadly, thinking of how Carey is probably worried sick at home. She’s probably even bombarded our eldest daughter with texts in an effort to gain comfort.

“I’m so sorry, Gary.” Paul apologizes again, his words catching in his throat.

“Alright, alright. That’s enough of that.” I chuckle, becoming annoyed at the words.

“Not about his, even though I am.” He lets out a long breath before looking me dead in the eyes He looks exhausted. His once-brown hair has turned almost white despite his age. The bags under his eyes are dark and heavy, wrinkles are carved deeply into his forehead and cheeks. “I missed you all these years, old friend. But something’s been eating at me and I have to tell you. That’s why I had brought you out here in the first place.” He chuckles nervously. “This part wasn’t planned, though.”

“Well, get on with it!” I joke, my heart pounding heavily in my chest.

“About 22 years ago, I ran into Carey at a conference she was speaking at, do you remember?” He starts.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out where this is going, but I stay quiet and listen to his tale of drunken infidelity. The weekend he spent with my wife that eventually led to the conception of my youngest daughter. But I stay calm, I don’t interrupt, I don’t change my expression, I just listen. And when he finally quiets down I reply, “I know.”

“Wh-what do you mean?” Paul’s features are surprised, but his words wreak of relief. He’d finally cleared his conscience and felt better knowing I had already known.

“I know—I’ve known. I knew she met you that weekend, and soon after she announced she was pregnant with Paige.” I let out a puff of air as I think back on my life and three daughters. “No one but myself and my doctor know this, but I was never able to have children. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know when I became sterile or whatever, but none of those girls are biologically mine.” A lone tear escapes my eye and I allow it to fall to the dirt-covered ground.

Paul is utterly speechless by confession.

“But I love my family. I love those girls. And I can’t let anything happen to it.” I stand slowly from my spot on the ground, dusting the dirt from my shorts.

Paul watches me as I approach him, his jaw on the ground.

I pat his shoulder and pull him up by the elbow. “You know, I don’t know why Carey does what she does. Maybe there’s something wrong with me, but I’m happy with the way things are now, and I can’t allow anyone to mess that up.” I grasp his elbow, my grip firm but calm, and guide him deeper into the shadows. 

The forest swallows us, silent except for the crunch of leaves beneath our feet. He doesn’t resist, doesn’t cry out. He knows—just as I do—that this is how it has to end. I knew what he wanted from me. I knew what he was going to ask after his confession, but he’s not going to meet Paige. He’s not going to pretend to be her father after all of the hard work is done. He’s not leaving the mountain tonight—nor will he ever.

©️T.L. Ryan 2024. All rights reserved.